black people and screwing up***

*** this post is about 2 separate topics. Black people being one, and screwing up on my diet being the other. It's not about black people screwing up. I've heard they get a lot of flack for that and I'm not one to judge others for making mistakes.

I was doing SO WELL. For like THREE WHOLE DAYS.
But last night I ate cake. And maybe I went through a McDonalds drive-thru?... Shut it, I don't judge YOUR face. Yeah, I definitely screwed up. So this morning I decided to start my day off right with a frozen pizza. Unfortunately we didn't have one in the freezer, so I made an instant corn-chowder thingy. It turned out real nasty so I dumped it in the toilet...There's nothing like a bowl of chunky corn chowder floating in the toilet bowl first thing in the morning to really get the taste buds going...

...but now I'm craving ribs. Mmmmm, ribs. I can't wait for Ribfest. Burlington (where I live), has Canada's largest Ribfest -http://www.canadaslargestribfest.com/. You'll know when it's time for ribfest in Burlington because there's always way more black people around town. It's true. Besides the ribs and blooming onions, that's my favourite part of ribfest. Black guys, (and especially black guys attending ribfest) love us fatties.
Nothing boosts a fat girls self confidence more than a black guy. If a white guy tells you (a fat girl), you look hot or beautiful, he may sort of mean it but mostly he means you have a pretty face or you look beautiful despite the roll protruding from your 3 pairs of spanx. If a black guy checks you out and says "Damn girl you look fine", he sincerly, genuinely means it. He thinks you're the bees knees. And if you can also find a black guy that comes up to you in a bar and says "Honey, I think you're the bees knees", well, than you have truly struck gold. Because I would fucking love for a black dude to use that pick up line on me, it would really be swell.

But I digress... Blacks love fatties. It's a proven fact. Well, it's proven in that I always see them hitting on larger ladies and B.E.T shows me what I need to see to prove this fact daily. But just in case you didn't believe me I found a study, (which I am not going to "cite" because I doubt anyone reading this is going to report me to the plaigiarism police and if you do I'll get a black boyfriend and make him shoot you)...

"When we analyzed the personal advertisements' [for romantic partners] men placed in a number of newspapers and magazines, Black and Hispanic men were more likely to request fat women than were White and Asian men," says Dr. Allison. What's more, says Dr. Allison, "Black men more frequently said that weight did not matter."

...Now if I were to judge Dr.Allison on her scientific evidence of blacks loving fatties, I would tell her (and I assume it's a "her" only because when I heard her name I imagined her full name was Dr. Allison von Allison, and she had brown hair and glasses), I would tell HER that using the personal ads in the backs of eyeWeekly and the VIEW and whatever the GO train paper is called, is not really a good way of finding out anything except what old, ugly and creepy black men are looking for in a mate and not regular black dudes... But that wouldn't help my argument, so Dr. Allison your analysis is super.

Regular black guys usually enjoy fatties as well. And that I can only assume that this is innately biological and integral to the evolution of their race. Fat ladies obviously have access to food. Wherever that fat lady is from must have plentiful crops and herds of cattle. Marry her and avoid African droughts leading to starvation. Also, her robustness signifies that she most likely does not have AIDS, or at least she's not in the later stages of it. Which is also a bonus.

So listen up Kanye, I'm not a black Kate Moss. And don't pretend that you're all indie and love skinny chicks. Kanye you are a black man and you want my badonkadonk.

Love always,

Kelly

xoxo