'tis the season

Well, here it is.

Christmas time.

Parties with their potlucks. Chocolates being the only versatile gift the uncreative can think of. Eggnog eeevvveerrryyywwhheerreeee (damn you people who don't like it and can resist it's frothy goodness).

Why does Christmas have to taste so good?

No one wants to diet at Christmas and no one wants to workout in the winter.

I'm blaming my lack of physical fitness NOT on Christmas, but on finals. I had so much to do that between school and work I wanted nothing but big macs and sleep.

And what Kate wants, she gives herself. Over and over.

I had to take my car into the shop today and my first stop was to a public garbage can to deposit all my take out bags.

BUT

Now I have three weeks to rip it at the gym. I've lost 10 pounds since the summer and 30 pounds since moving back home.

(so that was 3 years ago, but it's better than putting more on!)

I'll weigh myself tomorrow and then let you know where we're at.

GOAL: workout and blog from now until I go back to school!

also, met a boy ;)

pasty,doughy mess

Friday did not happen.

But Licks and McDonalds did. More than I'd like to admit.

But I don't even have to admit to anything because the proof is sitting right above the waistband of my jeans. Spilling over and making itself visable through my shirt.

But that ended last night.

I'm insanely busy this week with midterms so I doubt I'll be making it to the gym, so I'm focusing on my diet. Moms and I went grocery shopping last night and I made sure to get some protein and leafy fibre so that I'll have good things to choose from. And drink enough water to drown myself.

Next week is reading week so I plan on living at the gym, aside from the days I'm not working.

And tanning, because it makes me look skinnier and less like a pasty doughy mess.

1....2.....3?!?!?!

Monday-Gym

Thursday-Gym

Friday-Gym???

Ladies and gents this week might be THE week.

Consecutive visits to the gym might happen!

Unfortunately it's hidden by the 3+ trips to fast food joints.

Good news though is that i've decoded my surge of fat-cravings as my body preparing for that special monthly time.

My uterus isn't aware that come tomorrow at 1:30 i'll be dosing up with another fresh round of hormones, pushing off hell week for another month.

Hopefully come Monday I'll be bloat-free and ready to diet without wanting to kill anyone!

And I'm pretty sure the compliment I got on my ass today was a result of the second skin pants I was wearing (rather than the loose yoga pants I normally wear) and not a result of physical change do to work outs.

My thighs are looking damn sexy though!

the nugget

I'm pretty sure my IPhone calorie counter app froze in a moment of silence when I entered in my supersized big mac meal as my lunch for today.

It's just way to easy to say "yes".

Alas, fast forward to now as I writher in gas pain and my body screams "NO" to my choices.

It's enough to get me back on the wagon though, tomorrow is a new day.

Hopefully better than the other day when I was cleaning up the remnants of another ill-advised McDonalds run and found a discarded nugget in the bottom of the bag. And ate it.

don't judge me...

ups and downs

Yesterday I went to McDonalds. My current thing is that if I'm going to eat fast food I might as well eat somewhere that's going to potentially win be a whack of money.

So far I think I've just gained weight.

I did go to the gym yesterday too.

I think part of the lure to go is so that I have a chance to talk to all the boys I have crushes on.

Well worth it.

So many foxy (nice) guys. But alas, I have awful taste in guys and have successfully found the potheads and the one that isn't driving because of his DUI.

Winners.

I'm going again tomorrow morning and I'm hoping to figure out a schedule so that I'm going 3 times a week, and then graduating to 5 times a week.

My goal is to lose 15 pounds by February 23 (my 25th birthday) and my reward will be my side tattoo.

Nothing more motivating than partially undressing in a public place in front of strangers to make you want to lose weight.

I just have to make sure I also have the cash to fund it...

progress report

Hi y'all

SO

I'm actually down the the lightest I've been in a long, long time.

At one point my 5"4 frame was carrying around 180 pounds, and that was when I was in college.

I'm currently resting at 150, which while still isn't healthy is an improvement.

Finding time to work out is hard. I find that once I'm there I can get into the groove and can work out for about an hour and a half, but I still don't really like doing it alone.

Since Alex and I have the same job, it means that we have opposite schedules so finding time when we can work out together is tough.

Working in the gym has it's perks though. I've decided against the personal training for the time being, maybe after christmas (and my tuition get paid off) I can sign myself up for some ass kicking. Doesn't mean I can't pick the brains of all the jacked trainers and nutritionists we have on staff.

I've learned that diet is so so sooooo important when you're trying to lose weight.

Which is why Alex and I have made a "fake lent" and are both giving up our vices. All Alex eats is cookies, and all I do is go through drive thrus.

I love food though. It makes me happy.

Maybe it's time to see a shrink...

hypocrit

well, I now work at a gym.

along with newfound income I also have made a new friend and workout buddy, Alex, and get 50% off personal training.

There are some foxy trainers too ;)

Anyways, Alex and I have decided to help each other reach their goals and have been working out and trying to eat healthy.

The "trying" is more for me than for her. I've had two brownies, two peices of pizza and some chocolate cake so far, and am going to ribfest today.

I've also realized that being tan makes me look skinnier, so hello sun spots and possible skin cancer.

I'll keep you posted on my progress.

drowned

I

WENT

RUNNING

okay well I ran then walked then sprinted and then almost passed out and finally walked home.

BUT

it's something better than lounging around thinking about working out.

After I peeled myself off the floor from under the fan (oh yea, running on a 30+ degree day with hummidity that makes it feel like you're drowning is a swell idea) I did some arms and abs.

Then after showering I went on a bike ride to the super market with my sister where I repeated my new mantra "skinny people don't eat _____ (insert junk food craving of choice)".

However this did not apply to the bottle of wild vines I bought and later consumed (alone).

Common, we all know those skinny bitches drink away their hunger pangs.

Unfortunately I can't go all gung-ho crash dieting right now since my amazing and gorgeous friend is getting married IN A WEEK.

I had my final dress fitting for my bridesmaid dress and it literally could not fit more perfectly. I have no room to expand without running the risk of extending the slit up the back of it.

So

after the wedding I'm going to try the P90X program since I'm too broke to afford a trainer. This way I've got something telling me what to do.

I think I'll put recordings of drill sergeants and arnold swagherwewerneggar onto my ipod so I have someone yelling at me to "MOVE MY PANSY LARD-ASS".

I'll keep you posted.

the treat drawer

I'm stuck in a strange place.

In three weeks is my best friend's wedding where I am a bridesmaid and an MC.

The dress has been fitted and I can't afford to pay for the seams to be taken in, so while I would love to starve and sweat my ass off for the next 3 weeks to see what would happen, I'd rather it not cost me an extra $100 (btw the job hunt is more of a field trip).

I'm trying to be healthier though.

Fat has now accumulated on my face, and wiping sweat from neck rolls doesn't really scream SUMMER FUN.

Neither does the sweat on my upper lip and the sweat from front to back in the seat of my knickers.

But alas, my hands are conspiring with my tummy and I've managed to demolish a package of beer nuts.

280 calories for 1/3 cup.

The sad thing is that I don't have a job, I have a gym membership and a mother who was a fitness instructor. I have free time, enough free weights and workout dvds and equipment at home and a membership to a gym I could walk to.

I also have a dad who thinks I don't know the secret location of his treat drawer....

werkin it

Kelly and I have both gotten jobs so we have been too exhausted from the change in our lifestyle to post anything.

On the positive side Kelly has dropped 5 pounds since she's now forced to do manual labour for money and has no time to eat.

I've got crazy/weird hours and spend my day outside talking to strangers.

Contrary to the types of jobs we've both landed, we're actually very skilled and very employable.

We have references.

Also, for anyone who thinks the WiiFit is a scam, try one. Trust me when you wake up the next morning and muscles you didn't know even existed are hurting you'll think otherwise.

Plus there's nothing like having a machine tell you you're fat.

A scale is one thing, but I've always found scales to be somewhat sympathetic.

I 've realized it's because they don't have voices that talk to you.

One of my very best friends got a WiiFit, so I went over, created myself a character, spent time picking out the different options to make it look as much like me as possible.

Go into the WiiFit game and it initiates me by weighing me and doing a BMI, to have a starting point to track my progress from.

THEN after it weighs me, my little me character gets FAT. It actually ADDS SIZE to your little person to represent how fat you are.

and not even in the right places! I HAVE CURVES DAMNIT! NOT A FRONT GUNT!

and the machine tells me i'm actually 34.

I'll show you machine.

Just you wait....

stepping stool

I RESISTED LAST NIGHT!

I went to my friend Ashley's and we decided to get a treat, so I got a caramel sundae from McDonalds (NO BIG MACS!! hahahahahah)

and then we went back to her house and baked

CUPCAKES

COOKIES

and BROWNIES

okay I caved and ate a ball of cookie dough and a cupcake but it could have been way worse.

I also tried on my bridesmaid's dress for her upcoming wedding this summer. I think that was good motivation for not eating the treats.

oh and the fact that the dog was standing on my stomach fat to lean out the window.

yea

standing on my stomach roll.

felt as good as it sounds.

flip

I've been doing well lately

Now that I've finished school and have no job I'm pretty much stuck at home.

Which makes me crazy.

Literally I start talking to my pets. They don't think I'm as funny as I do.

Then I jump at any chance to get out of the house, which usually involves getting food.

Tuesday was a really bad night.

My dad bought me KFC for dinner, and I ate it, even though I already had plans to go out to McDonalds with Ashley.

You can't turn down free food when you're as broke as I am (earlier that day I had dumped all my coins into a coin counting machine so that I could pay my cell phone bill.sad)

Since then I've done better though. Wednesday Kelly rescued me from babysitting and we went for a nice long walk at the beach, and then had strawberries, no fat jello and fat-free coolwhip.

It was "fatass" sized portions.

I'm still not on the workout bandwagon, but there's nothing like male rejection to make you bitter and ready to get that hot body.

So tonight we're going out with the girls.

Better believe I'll be wearing some SPANX under my dress.

sick.

I didn't eat well today.

I didn't exercise.

I've got a cold and I feel like ass. I still ate a ton though. I hate that even when I am horribly sick I still eat. I hear other people talk about how they lose their appetites when they're ill but this does not happen to me. Gah. I can vomit than still eat 5 minutes later. My mind/body just always wants to eat. EAT.EAT.EAT...

On Saturday I did a workout video! I am still sore.


It was good. Bob is cute and nice, but I think I need Jillian's bitchiness to really push me...It's actually one of the better videos I've ever done. I like that there's other not perfect-bodied people doing the exercises, makes me feel better about myself....but than I realize that even though most of them are bigger than me, they could do all the moves with much more ease than me. I am very out of shape.

OH MAH GAWD

ALRIGHT

enough is enough

I don't know what i'm waiting for. Do I need someone to sign me up for biggest loser in order to get me into this? (if there's someone on it like this season's Sam then please do. I'd run for that)

I saw this reebok commercial last night, and hot DAMN!!

I thought I had pretty sexy legs and a decent derrier, but I have been schooled.

Never had I been so inspired/envious/turned on by a shoe commercial.

Not even jimmy choo has made me feel this way about what I put on my feet.

Not only do i now want a pair of those smexy sneaks but I WANT THAT ASS!

no homo.

oh and I ate another big mac today.

eff off.

out of body weekend..and my first big mac

I'd like to appologize to anyone who was in contact with me this past weekend.

apparently I was inhabited by something other worldly as I was not myself.

Sometimes I really wish that people I know didn't read this blog.

Even though most of you already know most of the embarassing/awkward situations I get myself into, sometimes I don't want to have to own up to my actions.

like this weekend....

ugh

Friday I was content with sitting on my bed in poverty-striken self pity, ACTUALLY counting my change a la crackhead.

But then the opportunity to go out and drink came up. and drinking usually ends with drunken consumption of food, and i don't pass up on an excuse to eat.

.......................

things happened....

there was no food, unless you count the mint.

SATURDAY

another lovely day of sweatpants, tv, hot dog consumption and basic waste-of-life activities.

then i babysat for a family content of adding to the number on my waistband.

seriously

it was beyond the usual "chips and pop"

the dad offered me the frozen pizza they had in the freezer.

better believe i was tempted.

i stuck with the demolition of their chip supply

and i might have dug into the ice cream

EVEN THOUGH I"M LACTOSSE INTOLERANT

nevermind ignoring the basic facts that consumption of junk food is unhealthy, i ate something that makes me anywhere from "bloated" to "OMG GET OUT OF MY WAY I"M GOING TO SHIT MY PANTS."

oh and then on sunday i went out at like 10pm and got a big mac

still feeling the effects of that decision.

in other news my gym isn't bankrupt.

so now i have another healthy option to avoid.

back to square one

This is not going to be funny.
Rather depressing actually.

I have really not even been trying the past few days. The night before last I ate a full (big) bag of Miss Vickies chips and a container of french onion dip. I had all you can eat sushi yesterday. I had a pot pie for breakfast today.

I CAN NOT STOP FUCKING EATING.

I need my jaw wired shut. For serious. I really don't want to be fat forever. But if I don't lose it while I'm young before I get knocked up, when will I ever lose it??

Food is just so yummy. And there's so many different varieties, styles and flavours. It's so colourful, it smells good and I just WANT IT.

ALL THE TIME.

There's something for sure wrong with me because I think about food ALL the time. Maybe the hippocampus in my brain is wired wrong or something. Maybe an ACTUAL HIPPO lives in my brain and he is very hungry and forces me to think I am hungry too. The hippo is winning.

childhood obesity

...apparently it's a problem. How could THIS (see below) ever be a problem?....




...it's long, but worth watching as he throws in a few Gaga signature moves along the way.

jailbait

awesome

160 lbs

I'm gaining weight at orca speed.

Just open my huge jaws and let the food swim right into my trap.

Last night I ate 3 hot dogs.

Didn't even try to justify it.

*this was after I had a HUGE slice of pizza and then a box of taters the night before. I'm still burping up hot dog and pizza. gross.

I did wait until my mom wasn't looking before I downed the last one.

Last thing she saw me eating was a large bowl of salad so I'm sure she was proud.

Apparently I'd rather eat too much food and be large than deal with my mom chastizing me for eating junk.

Really friends, how about we try this; next time we go anywhere just let me run behind the car. Or maybe I could borrow my neighbour (the cop's) handcuffs.

That way if my hands are out of commission they can't do what they do best; feed my mouth.

OR how about I steal her cop car that's sitting in front of the house.

THEN I'll be sent to my very own fat camp: jail.

I'd be getting:

-rationed food (which will probably be tossed on the floor every day by Ethel, the queen B of my all female prison)

-daily work outs (via me fighting off Ethel and her posse's sexual advances and the allotted daily yard time where i will again be constantly on the move away from Ethel and co.)

So send me all your addresses so I can write you jail mail.

I don't know much about how things work on the inside, but i'm pretty sure from the amount of cop tv I watch I'll have computer access so i'll still be able to blog.

i'm off for a joyride.

this is why i'm hungry...

this is what has my attention today:

this is why you're fat

black people and screwing up***

*** this post is about 2 separate topics. Black people being one, and screwing up on my diet being the other. It's not about black people screwing up. I've heard they get a lot of flack for that and I'm not one to judge others for making mistakes.

I was doing SO WELL. For like THREE WHOLE DAYS.
But last night I ate cake. And maybe I went through a McDonalds drive-thru?... Shut it, I don't judge YOUR face. Yeah, I definitely screwed up. So this morning I decided to start my day off right with a frozen pizza. Unfortunately we didn't have one in the freezer, so I made an instant corn-chowder thingy. It turned out real nasty so I dumped it in the toilet...There's nothing like a bowl of chunky corn chowder floating in the toilet bowl first thing in the morning to really get the taste buds going...

...but now I'm craving ribs. Mmmmm, ribs. I can't wait for Ribfest. Burlington (where I live), has Canada's largest Ribfest -http://www.canadaslargestribfest.com/. You'll know when it's time for ribfest in Burlington because there's always way more black people around town. It's true. Besides the ribs and blooming onions, that's my favourite part of ribfest. Black guys, (and especially black guys attending ribfest) love us fatties.
Nothing boosts a fat girls self confidence more than a black guy. If a white guy tells you (a fat girl), you look hot or beautiful, he may sort of mean it but mostly he means you have a pretty face or you look beautiful despite the roll protruding from your 3 pairs of spanx. If a black guy checks you out and says "Damn girl you look fine", he sincerly, genuinely means it. He thinks you're the bees knees. And if you can also find a black guy that comes up to you in a bar and says "Honey, I think you're the bees knees", well, than you have truly struck gold. Because I would fucking love for a black dude to use that pick up line on me, it would really be swell.

But I digress... Blacks love fatties. It's a proven fact. Well, it's proven in that I always see them hitting on larger ladies and B.E.T shows me what I need to see to prove this fact daily. But just in case you didn't believe me I found a study, (which I am not going to "cite" because I doubt anyone reading this is going to report me to the plaigiarism police and if you do I'll get a black boyfriend and make him shoot you)...

"When we analyzed the personal advertisements' [for romantic partners] men placed in a number of newspapers and magazines, Black and Hispanic men were more likely to request fat women than were White and Asian men," says Dr. Allison. What's more, says Dr. Allison, "Black men more frequently said that weight did not matter."

...Now if I were to judge Dr.Allison on her scientific evidence of blacks loving fatties, I would tell her (and I assume it's a "her" only because when I heard her name I imagined her full name was Dr. Allison von Allison, and she had brown hair and glasses), I would tell HER that using the personal ads in the backs of eyeWeekly and the VIEW and whatever the GO train paper is called, is not really a good way of finding out anything except what old, ugly and creepy black men are looking for in a mate and not regular black dudes... But that wouldn't help my argument, so Dr. Allison your analysis is super.

Regular black guys usually enjoy fatties as well. And that I can only assume that this is innately biological and integral to the evolution of their race. Fat ladies obviously have access to food. Wherever that fat lady is from must have plentiful crops and herds of cattle. Marry her and avoid African droughts leading to starvation. Also, her robustness signifies that she most likely does not have AIDS, or at least she's not in the later stages of it. Which is also a bonus.

So listen up Kanye, I'm not a black Kate Moss. And don't pretend that you're all indie and love skinny chicks. Kanye you are a black man and you want my badonkadonk.

Love always,

Kelly

xoxo

the facts

5"4

155 lbs and climbing

It's not huge and some people might want their own scale to spit out that number, but it's not working for me.

I feel so dumpy and so unhealthy.

I avoid sports because I'm afraid my body isn't up for it and I'm going to get hurt.

I don't want this lifestyle anymore, I want something better, I deserve something better.

I'm the only one who can change me

(well me and DSM who bailed on his promise to yell at me once a week at the gym....)

SUCCESS!

Last night was the first mini victory against the belly bulge!

The party we were at had a the kind of spread that I would have personally requested.

All the party favourites I crave.

BUT

We didn't eat the chips and salsa dip

or the buns

or the pizza

or the carb-crazy orgasmic cheese and hashbrown dish that my mom makes.

Avoiding all this meant that we basically would run to the healthy food with blinders on to avoid the temptation. I did cave and eat two meatballs, but DSM said they were legit.

(he's one of our followers and has a great health and fitness blog, check him out)

So instead we had plate after plate of celery, carrots, mushrooms, strawberries and pineapple.

Victory feels so much better than that food would have made me feel.

Except when I woke up with a hangover and a lust for something to fill my stomach I started to wish I had stashed some of that food in my pockets...

breaking the habit

I interviewed a girl yesterday for my school paper who had just won $1 thousand dollars for quitting smoking.
(BTW where's the weight loss competition that offers $1 thousand as a prize?? there's your obesity solution!)

While I was talking to her about her addiction to cigarettes and how she always smoked while doing other things it struck a chord with me.

I actually had to stop myself from comparing her nicotine routine to my eating habits.

She was talking about inhaling poison and cancer-causing toxins and I wanted to talk about how much I loved having a Wendy's cheeseburger while watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on my laptop.

My addiction is food.

And diet coke, but I'm not giving that up.

I like to eat when I'm watching TV.
I like to get a treat when I'm driving somewhere.
I like to eat when I'm doing homework
When I go somewhere there's always part of me who's looking forward to the food that's going to be available.

How did this happen? I come from a muscular, active family.
Both my parents are athletes.
My brother is ripped and he barely works out
My sister is skinnier AND taller than me. *did I mention I'm older than both of them?

So it's time to break the habit.
Luckily for me I can replace the junk I eat with healthier alternatives.

I'm not sure what the alternative to nicotine is.
But I think just cutting it out is the only option.

the other fat friend

I'm Kelly.
I'm the other fat friend.
ugh. I don't want to even talk about it. But this is supposed to help. I was doing really well not eating my way into an Addition-Elle wardrobe until last night.
Instead of having Kate over to do a Biggest Loser workout video...

...I went over to my friends to look at wedding shit. On my way home, I was super uber pumped about being poor and single. To cheer myself up I stopped by my friends house and proceeded to get high. One thing led to another and I suddenly found myself in an A&W surrounded by Diet Root Beer in a lovely icy cold glass, perfectly spiced onion rings and a tasty swiss cheese covered veggie burger...

...all that is 9999 calories in case you were curious. But my high brain than proceeded to convince my dieting self that I had already fucked up royally so I might as well enjoy it. Shoppers Drug Mart Easter Candy/Chocolate sale, here I come...

...mini-eggs...lifesaver gummies...mini-eggs...cadbury cream eggs...mini-eggs...

Afterward I obviously felt gross and guilty. I was so mad at myself for succumbing to my food cravings. I still am.

So this morning I got up and weighed myself. I'm up a pound since yesterday. meh. I was just on such a roll for two and a half days. I had motivation and what I thought was a clear cut plan to actually succeed at losing weight this time. I guess my plan just needs a few more alterations.

In the past couple of weeks there have been two events that have lead me to believe that NOW is the time that I am FINALLY going to change the way I eat and (don't) exercise before I find myself lying in a made-to-order, shipped from Alabama, doublewide coffin.
The first being that my friend is going to be in one of those before and after weight loss ads. They picked her off the street and asked her if she wanted to lose weight. Funny, because if they did that to me I would have started crying and been like "You..snff...think...snff, snff...I'm faaaaat....!!...but yes I will do it...". But anyways she's doing it and I am so jealous because they're gonna help her and give her all the shit to do it. Books, pills, trainers, nutritionists etc, etc. So basically it's like the reverse of "fattening up your pig for the fair/slaughter", but they're probably not gonna kill her. I say probably because when I looked up the diet pills I found a lot of this: Hydroxycut linked to other cases of liver damage
...I'm sure she'll be fine. And if not, I hear you get real, real skinny after you die.

The other reason being my counsellor made me fill out this survey...

Are You a Compulsive Overeater?
Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous. This series of questions may help you determine if you are a compulsive eater.

1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

Have you answered yes to three or more of these questions? If so, it is probable that you have or are well on your way to having a compulsive eating problem. We have found that the way to arrest this progressive disease is to practice the Twelve-Step recovery program of Overeaters Anonymous.

...so I filled it out. I may have gotten like 11 out of 14...None of your business.

So, that's enough for now.

I need to go swallow a gust of wind for breakfast.

Peace Out, Bitches.
Kelly

charbroiled

I am Kate.

I can't cook.

I also can't diet.

I was in a blah mood yesterday and decided to skip school.

Instead of trying to perk myself up or be the slightest bit productive, I spent the day in bed watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and periodically wandering in and out of the kitchen, grabbing handfuls and bowlfuls of snacks.

sad.

Oh and my gym shut down.

Like skyservice shut down.

Like this needs to be more difficult.

before we get down to business...

diet starts tomorrow

time to share food with the garbage and inhale gusts of wind

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1931449